please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
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there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
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Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
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I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.