I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Dating After Heartbreak
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?