He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
