The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.