I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
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Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
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She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
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Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.