I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
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At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
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Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
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