Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
