My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
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He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
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I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
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apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.