anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
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I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.