Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?