After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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