See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.