So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
