So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday