I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.