Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN