i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.