OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...