Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.