happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"