I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
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WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
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I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.