he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
even my farts smell like vagina
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
