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Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
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