I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
