making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
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and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
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You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.