at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
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just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
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u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance