i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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