sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I think this baby is eyeing my beer