I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
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Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
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Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
hotties wanna shake it
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.