grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
We got so high we made milksteak
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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