Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
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what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."