i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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