I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.