Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.