Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "