you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.