His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?