His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?