well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.