I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Sexist Restaurant Owner Tells Woman To ‘Keep Her Legs Open’ After Firing Her
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
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having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Life is so much better after having sex.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?