What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
