alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
