We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."