I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.