Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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