No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm fucking your sister right now.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests