Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section