Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I chose taco bell over sex...