My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.