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The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
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