that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.