I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
