wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.