I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp